I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
