I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
