sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
