i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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