This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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