Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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