Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
