Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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