If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
