Screwed.edu
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
