Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
