Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
