I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
