Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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