My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
