I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
