you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
