You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
