Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
