youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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