She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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