I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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