I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
