i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
