Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
