He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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