i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
