i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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