Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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