I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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