I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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