I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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