Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
