i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There are leaves in my underwear?
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