Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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