tell your sister to shave her snatch
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My liver just had a heart attack.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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