I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
