my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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