I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
