Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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