I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
