Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize