I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
