if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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