We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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