I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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