and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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