k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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