my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
