Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
