Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
