i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
