My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
