I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
