wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My cat gives me a boner
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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