So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
