piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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