Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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