Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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