I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
