shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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