I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize