Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
